They say that March goes in like a lion and out like a lamb.
I’m in the thick of the lion’s roar right now, fresh from losing my mother to a rare and aggressive colon cancer that swiftly and unapologetically took over her body.
After her official diagnosis on Christmas Eve, my beautiful, feisty, smart and sassy mom passed away just two months later on February 24th, a week after her 62nd birthday.
My Beautiful Mom, Kathryn, with me – Summer 2013
And now, I am here in March. Doing my best to process all that has happened. Desperate for my pain and sadness to melt away with the heaps of dirt-capped snow outside my window. Trying to carry on.
Welcome to the jungle, baby. It’s a beast.
But I’m equipped to manage the beast.
How am I doing? I have my ups and downs each day. Having a toddler son with a vivid imagination and a penchant for spontaneous kitchen dance parties makes it difficult to stay sad for long. The love and support of my husband, my in-laws, neighbors, extended family and friends have lifted my spirits. And I’m finding that there is some sort of magic that comes along with periodic manicures and blow-outs that seem to make me feel semi-human again.
An eternal optimist, I look for hope where hope seems impossible to find. I see the glass half full. I try to find the best in the worst of situations. I strive to seek meaning in the midst of chaos.
But I am struggling with this sobering realization of the New Normal that is my New Life.
There are really no words for the complexity of my family life leading up to my mom’s untimely death. And given our situation over the past few months, allocating anything less than the right amount of time and attention it deserves to be discussed here on this blog would be an injustice. So I will table that reflection and revelation for another time.
I realize for many who don’t know me personally, this might come as a shock to read about now, since I’ve made no mention of my mom’s illness or the circumstances surrounding my family life over the past few months.
This was deliberate.
It may seem silly, but it was a comfort for me to retreat to my keyboard to write about sparkling wine, a Monster Truck Rally, about how radiant a new PANTONE color can be — and ultimately, continue on a “normal” state of life for the sake of my son — while simultaneously dealing with oncologists, blood tests, chemo, tumor markers, colostomy bags, countless bottles of Ensure and little clear plastic hospital tubing that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles.
The reason for my sharing today is to BEGIN my own healing process through my writing. And to carry on with my life, as this is what my mom would want.
There was no one prouder of my blog work than my mom. If you click around some of my earlier posts, you’ll find her as the first one to comment. She was an email subscriber to my blog and eschewed social media (blasphemy!) so her way of showing support of my work was through being my biggest cheerleader in her little commentaries following each post.
The goal of mom a la mode from its inception was to celebrate the good in life. The key word being celebrate. I write about the things that make me happy and of which I am passionate, namely food, fashion, family, pop culture, travel, wellness and home. And that will continue.
In fact, shortly following this post will be an amazing giveaway from my friends at KidFresh Foods and Disney’s Frozen on DVD. Stay tuned.
And speaking of Disney…
In the midst of everything going on with my mother’s illness, of course, a glimmer of hope appears. It came in the form of an email back in early February from the folks at Disney. It said that I was selected to be part of the Disney Social Media Moms 2014 Celebration in Disneyland.
Mom knew that I had applied for this invite-only conference months ago, well before she got sick, and was hopeful that I’d be selected to attend. Our plan was to make it a family event, similar to what we did a few years back when my whole family visited Walt Disney World in Florida. She will undoubtedly be with us in spirit as we head out to California in a few short weeks.
So what can you expect here on mom a la mode?
Frankly, a lot of the same. My musings on family life, product reviews, giveaways, etc. will continue. This will still be a celebratory place. I still harbor a lot of passion for life. But life a la mode does come with its challenges these days, and as I manage my way through these challenges, my grief and my New Normal, I will share reflections from time to time.
And as we inch our way into April, as days get longer, the sun gets brighter and the snow heaps begin to melt down into muddy puddles, I know that the roar of the lion will soon quiet into softer sounds of the lamb. And in a similar fashion, it’s my hope that my grief and my family’s healing will follow, with time.
oxox
-mom a la mode
Hi Lisa, Please accept our most sincere condolences and please pardon us in the lateness of the arrival of the mass card for your mom. I keep begging Dave to get your address so we can send it! I am so sorry that I never had a chance to meet your mom but David, Donna and their parents have spoken so highly of her that I feel like I have. I cannot begin to imagine the hole that has been left in your world by the passing of your mom. Please know that we are sending much love and prayers and healing vibes your way during this sad time. This blog post was absolutely gorgeous and a beautiful tribute to such a beloved woman. xo
Lis, you are one of the strongest ladies out there. At the same time you told me of your mom’s passing, you gave me PR advise. You are an amazing woman, mom, friend and fellow-blogger/social media partner. Your mom is watching all that you are accomplishing and smiling. xoxoxoxo
Dear Lisa, My children had the wonderful honor of having “Mrs. D.” for their 2nd grade teacher. She was a warm, wonderful, loving, passionate, caring soul. What a beautiful and fitting tribute you gave her. Your mom truly was an angel on Earth. I speak from experience when I say that it does get easier. You will see a picture or smell her perfume and it will bring a tear to your eye, but, it will also put a smile on your face. You must always remember that your mom is your little guardian angel sitting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear, Go, Lisa, Go!
I’ve been thinking about you since I saw your facebook post. I’m so incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss. I’m now thinking of the time that I briefly saw you at an event..not knowing what you were going through. I love hearing about how your mom supported you and I hope that you find comfort in the comments that she left for you here. Sending love and support and my deepest condolences.
Your mom was an incredible woman and my favorite elementary school teacher. I had her the first year she taught second grade at Lincoln School and would periodically see her over the years. She never failed to ask how both myself and my family were and would always beam with pride when I’d ask about you and James. She was an exceptional woman and you are carrying on that legacy. She is surely very proud of you!
Lisa I don’t have to tell you how proud you mother was of you and rightfully so. Reading your blog, I thought, Kathy is smiling down. I will miss her cheerful and uplifting personality always. No one could tell a story like Kathy an no one had more compassion for others. I am sure she is being rewarded in heaven for the person she was. My heart and prayers go out to you all.
Lisa your mom was such a warm & compassionate lady. My girls miss her terribly. They don’t even want to go into the library which was always their favorite special day. They couldn’t wait to she her beautiful smile.
Thank you for having the courage to share your intimate thoughts and experiences during the past few months. Your mom has touched so many of our hearts in a positive and powerful way. The best way that we can honor your mom is by coming together and helping each other. You and your brother are her brightest stars. Nothing would please me more than to be joined in expressing caring support for you and your family, while at the same time, learning about your positivity through your blog as well as your expression of love.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I am Dina Schmeer’s Aunt Phyllis. I’ve only know you Mom for a few years. She would bring a big sandwitch and Dina would get a cake and we would sit in the yard and celebrate my birthday in July. She was such a wonderful lady and I will miss her
Lisa,
This is a beautiful tribute to you Mom. She would be so proud. You have inherited her gift of words. She always wrote the nicest letters to my children and to me. I kept them all. There is something to be said for being a hoarder. They mean so much now. We are all missing her. She was like a ray of sunshine. I know she will bring you the strength to get through the difficult days ahead. That was her way…
Thanks for sharing this – my thoughts are with you and your family!
My heartfelt thanks to all who commented and shared personal accounts of their own loss, or offered words of comfort. I am blown away by the outpouring of love, the openness of strangers and how bonds can be formed with one another here in this space. I appreciate you all taking the time to support me or share your own account of a loved one’s illness and passing. I wish you peace and healing in your personal journeys as well. ox
Lisa, I can’t help but hear your Mom’s voice in some of your comments – eternal optimist, glass half full, seeing the best in the worst of situations – all of these things, influenced by her, have found their way into the way you handle your life. She is certainly smiling. I will be forever saddened by the loss of my friend of 48 years, but I will always celebrate the great friendship we shared. Your Mom was one of a kind, the best kind, and I will love her forever. Love, Aunt Vin xoxo
I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. Losing your mom is such a difficult loss…my mother died 13 years ago and not a day goes by that I do not miss her. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts and prayers. It has been my fortune to meet you along this blogging excursion. Congratulations on being invited to Disney Social Media Mom! xo Lorette
I’m so sorry Lisa. What a beautiful tribute. It’s so a terrible thing to go through and it’s not fair to you, Rocco or those who loved her and knew her so well. I’m not sure if Mike told you but my mother was also diagnosed with colon cancer last March. It’s been a long battle this past year. It’s difficult and there are times when I start to question why the Universe has been so unfair to her. Hang in there and keep up the great work!
Dear Lisa, a great tribute to your mom. The showing of love and respect that came during those days of mourning, certainly gave some comfort to those of us who love her. We will always remember the good times shared as a family. She remains in my prayers as will you and your family. Love AC
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too recently loss my father suddenly. He was diagnosed on July 19, 2013 with pancreatic cancer and died on October 1st. We did everything the doctors said. He was part of a study, did some chemo and underwent a 12 hour surgery that took him almost a month to wake up from. Do you ever wish you never would gave taken her to the doctor? I do. Then maybe he would have at least been with us instead of in a hospital bed. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I went back to work after 4 months and I still have really sad days. Last week was a really sad week.
I lost my mom just one day after you under very similar circumstances. I get up every day and forge forward because I know there is nothing she wouldn’t have given for more time with her grandchildren, and I must not take a moment of this gift of time for granted. I am as lost as I have ever been but will keep going because it’s what she taught me to do. God bless.
I’m so sorry for your loss Lisa – but your mom would be so proud of how brave and strong you are being for yourself & your family. You have some fun things to look forward to and new ways to keep mom alive in your life!
Well written Li….we love you and know you will live fully with the love, kindness, and sass your mom had. Hope to see you soon.
I am so sorry Lisa. My mom had a lymphoma diagnosis a few years back and chemo started this year so I have had a long time to deal with it. I can’t imagine how hard this was for you, especially so fast. I will be thinking of you when our family is at Disneyland…coincidentally leaving for Legoland the day your conference starts:) Enjoy your son…the kids are definitely a comfort in times like this.
Our hearts break and give strength to you at the same time – the beauty of life is in both the highs of life’s seemingly simplest pleasures and the acknowledgement and reality that these are not eternal — when we treasure BOTH sides of this equation- it brings us the real happiness. Stay strong and optimistic…
This was an amazing post. We all think about her all the time, the amazing and one of a kind woman that she was. Did you see the Observer last week? It’s amazing to see how people in town thought of her.
As the sign outside Lincoln school said…..”Mrs D always in our hearts.”
Loved your Mom!
I am blown away by your strength. Sending you much love. You know we are here for you and yours. Play date, mom date, hang out at my place or the coffee shop date. Many hugs.
What can I say Lisa….
except that nothing is ever the same again, yet she will ALWAYS be with you. You’ll get glimpses of her in your own smile in the mirror, a quick glance at your own hands and it’s as though you see hers! and as time passes you’ll feel (the best way to describe it) that she ‘lives’ inside of your soul.
You were blessed to have such a beautiful mother, may you take comfort in knowing how loved she was by SOOOOOO many, and that she left this world a much better place. She’s passed on her legacy to you and now you must keep writing, blogging, ‘wifeing’,mothering and making YOUR world a better place for yours…..
because that’s what she taught you.
when my mom passed, a friend told me something that comforts me to this day and I am passing it on to you….think of it this way….
‘Her great, beautiful spirit just simply outgrew her body, she is now free to be everywhere, in a beautiful place, and at peace.’
love you
Outstanding! Mom would be proud of the way you are handling this most difficult time in our lives. Know that I am here for you! Love Dad
I am so sorry for your loss. My eleven year old twin brothers went to Lincoln school and they loved your mom. They were deeply saddened by her passing. I also attended Lincoln school what seems like life times ago, but I did not know her, only of her. I hear she was absolutely wonderful! My best wishes.
Lisa, Once again you have created a beautiful tribute to a wonderful, one of a kind woman. As you begin your “New Life”, always remember the best times you had with your mother and try to forget the last months of her life. Your mother was truly a wonderful part of my growing up, and I feel as if I am a better person having known her for almost 39 years. She will be missed, but NEVER forgotten! Much love to you and your entire family! Jess xoxo
Lisa-I’m so sorry for your sudden loss. May God Rest her soul. Cancer can be very cruel. Beautiful post , I’m sure she she is so proud of you. Lots and lots of love Yasmine
A beautiful tribute to your incredible Mom, Lisa! If possible, I imagine she’d be even more proud of you now.
Love, kisses & anything you need.
Thank you Aunt Mimi xoxo
I’m so sorry for you loss. I just lost my mom on December 30th. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of her. I completely agree with you where you said that your son helps to cope a bit. My daughter definitely helps me feel a lot better. 🙂
I’m sorry for your loss, Virginia. It’s all still very fresh and new. Yes, I am grateful for my young son and his sense of whimsy and love of life. I see much of my mom in him, too. Thanks for your comment ox